Everyday sexism

It wasn't until about 5 or 6 years ago I started to think about feminism.  Until that point I'd never not considered myself to be a feminist, I just didn't really think about it.  Having children has made me much more aware of my place in society.  In the last 6 or so years I have become a much more confident and aware person.  Several things have contributed to this; age, being a mother, not working, knowing myself better, meeting new people.

Having had children I am so much more aware of how important it is that we teach our children the right things and that we lead by example.  So many things we say and do have an undertone of sexism or stereotyping.  Most of the time we don't even realise we are doing these things.  Have a boy?  Suddenly without realising you're buying blue, tractors, planes and cars.  Next child a girl?  Find yourself thinking you'll have to buy everything new again because "I can't use a blue buggy with a girl!".  Many things are even more subtle.  Ever noticed yourself making more of a fuss if a female child falls over than you would if it were a male child?

It's really hard to buck the trend.  I know, I've done it.   Throughout my life I've not been afraid to stand out a bit.  Well, I wasn't always so happy to stand out when I was younger but my desire to look the way I wanted to and dress the way I wanted too was stronger than my fear!

When I was pregnant with Ethan, my first, I was convinced I was having a girl.  So convinced.  I bought items in all colours and patterns for my "girl" to wear.  When he was born I was handed a boy - shock!! Did I get rid of any more the more "girly" items I'd bought?  No.  I dressed him in them any way.  I let his hair grow long.  I bought him a buggy to play with.  Dolls.  A play kitchen. A dolls house.  I let him dress up as a princess as well as an astronaut.  I let him play with cars and roll around in the mud too.  Of course I did.  Those are things that a child does.  A child.  Not a boy or a girl.  Child.

When Felix was born it was the same.  He's worn every colour.  He has exceptionally long hair and I can't bear to cut it.  One of his favorite toys is his baby.  Mind you, he's obsessed with cars.

Every single day and I do mean EVERY day Felix is mistaken for a girl.  It'll happen up to 5 times a day.  Only once or twice has someone tactfully said "Mind out for that child" or "what a beautiful child".  It's usually "Let the little girl have her go" or "My, she's beautiful, what curls!".  If I correct them, they are apologetic and I'm not really bothered but I am starting to wonder what Felix thinks.  He's 2 in May and he's not stupid.  I wonder if it'll bother him to be called a girl all the time?

It's not easy.  Do I give in to society's pressures?  Cut his hair and only dress him in green and blue?  I don't want to though!  So.. I keep on down this path.

Why?  Why am I doing this?  Because I want my boys to treat people, everyone, with dignity and respect.  I want them to know about equality.  I want them to strive for equality.  I want them to know they can do anything and be anything they want to be and anyone can.  Every day I send Ethan off to school and I pat him on the chest and say "believe in yourself" and he repeats it back.  I want strong children.  Fair children.  I'm trying my hardest to equip them with the tools to deal with small mindedness.

As a woman I encounter sexism every day.  Years ago I didn't notice it, or didn't want to.  These days I sometimes don't realise it's happened until I've thought about it.  It's not always blindingly obvious.  In fact, the people doing it probably don't mean it as sexist in any way, but when you really think about it, it is.

An example.   I've had short hair for years now but a few weeks ago I decided to have a grade 3 cut on most of it.  I love it, I'm so happy with it.  When women see it they all tell me "Wow! I love your hair!".  Do you know what all the mean who have commented on it have said?   "Wow!  That's a change.  What did your husband think?".  Innocuous?  Maybe.  But think about it.  What did my husband think about it?  I'm sorry.  Who's hair is it?   It's MY hair.  I can choose how I want to wear it.  Pete is in a relationship with me, not my hair.  If he can't look past something like that (which grows!) and still love me then heck, that's not a good relationship!  I'm not saying that as adults in  relationship you can't discuss these kinds of things together, but ultimately it's my hair and I feel, my choice!

A few men have even seen fit to see my short hair as an expression of my sexuality.  Yes, because short hair on a woman means they are gay.  Right.  Can we not get past this sort of thing?  Short hair on a woman has nothing to do with sexuality.  Sure, you might get lesbian with short hair but you're just as likely to find one with long hair.  If my son has long hair and wears a pink top it doesn't make him gay.  If I paint one of his bedroom walls pink or let him push a doll in a buggy, none of these things will have an impact on his sexuality.  All it will do is allow him the freedom to be him.  To explore himself and find his place in society.  And then maybe, one day in the future, when one of his female friends has a short hair cut he won't make a judgement on her sexuality or ask her what her husband thought of it.  This is feminism.  Feminism is EQUALITY.  Equality for ALL.

The old boy/girl toy debate..

Ethan loves to push buggies and prams.  He has done ever since he could stand up and push from about 9 months onwards.  We'd be out at the park, I'd loose track of his whereabouts only to find him pushing around someone else's abandoned buggy.. I was forever apologising to other parents "he just loves to push!".  He's the same now, despite being perfectly able to walk without assistance for 2 years.  Whenever we go to a playgroup or to crèche, he makes a beeline for the buggies.

Only £1 from a charity shop - bargain buggy!

Does his love for what could be conceived as a "girls toy" concern me?  Does it heck.  I couldn't care less what he plays with.  He is who he is.  I've only just started feeling comfortable in my own skin and feel like I "know who I am" at the age of 30.  Being a child is all about discovery and learning.  If he wants to push a doll around in a buggy, wear fairy wings and shoot pretend guns at the same time, that's just fine with me.

He's always loved to push...

But still.. just watching a few minutes of Nickelodeon or Cartoon Network, it's quite apparent how much sexism still exists in the world of advertisement and toys.  Girls banging on about Lellie-Kelly, flashing pink wands with lipgloss inside them. Nerf guns with only boys in adverts.. it's still there.  Pink pink pink for the girls with an added dose of nail polish and guns and mud for the boys.

What a load of crap.

I know many parents who are unaffected by this, who let their children play with what they like, like whatever colours they want and express themselves, and that's just great.  I know though, that this divide between the sexes is still there though.

One of Ethan's favourite dress up items - what he calls his "princess" (ribbon skirt)

I've always let Ethan play with whatever he likes, whether it's a Sindy doll or a tractor.  If he sees me with painted nails, he wants his done.  So I do them.  I don't care what anyone thinks.  How on earth could you think that a child having painted nails dictates their sexuality?  But people do!  Even those of us who think we are open minded are affected.  Only the other day, when Pete was setting off for work on his bike, Ethan asked if he could push his (pink) buggy outside when saying bye to Daddy.  Of course said I.. but Pete said "he can't push that pink buggy outside, what would people think?!"  I was amazed!  I said it doesn't matter, it's just a toy buggy, what exactly is someone going to deduce if they see our son pushing around a buggy?  I suppose hubby has a point though, I can see some people jumping to stupid conclusions..

Earrings and lego.. that's covering all bases!

It's hard, isn't it.  Our road is full of boys, there is only one female child living on our part of the road, all of the rest are boys.  It's dominated by football, bikes, waterbombs, guns and skateboards.  You never see anyone doing anything remotely "girly".  Our neighbour opposite us is a tattooed, roll up smoking, truck driving cider drinker who loves to set off display quality (probably illegal) fireworks at random times and owns three massive German Sheppards. Despite that he is a friendly helpful man, but he is without a doubt, very much a "man's man".  In fact, he has admitted to us that because Pete wears glasses he nicknamed him "Clark Kent".  He already sees us as slightly weedy middle class neighbours.  Add into that mix our child perusing the streets dressed in pink wearing fairy wings and pushing a buggy, it's pretty obvious what conclusion he'd jump to!! What does it matter though?  It's nothing but an opinion...

Who wouldn't want to dance around in rainbow fairy wings?

I maintain my point.  Ethan can choose what toys he likes.  If he likes men or women, it doesn't bother me.  He's a little boy and he enjoys playing with dolls and wrestling.  At his young age (and whenever) he should be allowed the freedom to play with whatever he chooses.  And colour should be embraced!

"I'm Princess Ethan!" I used to dress my brother in this 23 years ago...

What are your thoughts?  Do you let your child play with what they like and wear what colours they like?  Do you feel judged if you let your boy play with dolls or your girl play with cars?  Do you care? Let me know!