Thursday 15 September 2011

"Hello, My name is Alex and I get angry sometimes..."

It's a bit of a taboo subject, anger, as a Mummy. When you have a child is nice, easy and natural to talk about the good bits, how cute they are, if they slept well, new words etc. It's not so easy to talk about the difficult parts. Partly I think because hey, who wants to dwell on the crap, but also, I think, because we're scared of being seen as a bad mum (or Dad). I think we need to be honest. It's hard enough being a 21st Century parent who has to "do it all", do it well and whilst smiling! Frankly, it's unrealistic. Even when my mood levelling tablets I wasn't all happy bappy all the time.

So, here it is. My name is Alex, I'm a Mum and sometimes I snap.

Since coming off my tablets 4 weeks ago, I'm finding it interesting adjusting to "normal" (whatever that is.. I should say medically unassisted perhaps) life. It's difficult for me to know which emotions are normal (there we go again!) and which are a warning signal. Let me be completely honest and perhaps we can reassure each other (and hug and cry...bla blaa!).

Ethan pushes me to the edge at times. Sometimes it's every day. Sometimes is several times a day. At times I feel the anger erupting out of me like a volcano. It feels uncontrollable. Sometimes when it happens I end up yelling at him in a crazed psycho voice..and then he goes quiet..and I think. Shit. That's it, I've scarred him for life.

It's all this responsibility I think. So much pressure!! In the past people had children of course, but there wasn't much emphasis on a "childhood". It didn't really exist. Nowadays "children are our future" which of course is right, but it does put a huge pressure on us as parents. Havef we given them enough attention? Do we stick them in front of the TV for too long? Have they had enough stimulating play and so on... All whilst living daily life, shopping, cleaning, cooking (and trying to look after yourself a little bit!). It's a bloody (un)merry-go-round going faster and faster and something's gotta give...and it's usually me! I am pushed so far that at times I feel like pushing Ethan into oncoming traffic in his buggy. It's a flash of emotion, it lasts only a second and of course I would never do that.. I can't be the only on who feels like this?

I've been debating whether I need to go back on my tablets but I suspect that actually what I'm feeling might be the norm. I just need to readjust to this crazy world without the assistance of my mellowing sidekick.

To all you other Mummy's and Daddy's out there, new or old, I say don't worry. Don't beat yourself up. You are doing a bloody good job.

Now, go and have a big glass of wine and half a tonne of chocolate...and breath!



  1. Phew! So glad to know it's not just me who feels like this!

    I think we are all made to feel like we should be supermum and it just isn't realistic. I know my own childhood involved running wild, watching lots of tv, drinking full sugar ribena and just basically being left to my own devices and I survived (I says survived as it seems a bit of a fib to say came out fine!!)!

    I know that I am constantly feeling like I just don't have enough hours in the day to be a good mum, good friend/daughter/sister, partner, cleaner, cook, personal shopper, gardener, accountant, etc etc etc! And I want to go back to work for my own sanity but how on earth is that going to fit in too?!!

    It seems to me that bringing up children often leaves you in a guilty spiral... Trying to do your best by them, being too stretched and stressed to manage to do everything you think you should for them, losing your temper and your mind and then feeling like you have totally failed them!

    I think like you said less beating ourselves up is in order, along with perhaps a stiff drink, child sized straight jackets and the digital baby sitter that is cbeebies!

    And by the way, I think the fact you care that you lose your temper sometimes (totally normal!) shows what a good mummy you are... :) xxx

  2. I am a bugger for snapping - especially if I am tired. It always comes out of the blue and always ends in tears - usually mine! You aren't alone!


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