So, here it is. My name is Alex, I'm a Mum and sometimes I snap.
Since coming off my tablets 4 weeks ago, I'm finding it interesting adjusting to "normal" (whatever that is.. I should say medically unassisted perhaps) life. It's difficult for me to know which emotions are normal (there we go again!) and which are a warning signal. Let me be completely honest and perhaps we can reassure each other (and hug and cry...bla blaa!).
Ethan pushes me to the edge at times. Sometimes it's every day. Sometimes is several times a day. At times I feel the anger erupting out of me like a volcano. It feels uncontrollable. Sometimes when it happens I end up yelling at him in a crazed psycho voice..and then he goes quiet..and I think. Shit. That's it, I've scarred him for life.
It's all this responsibility I think. So much pressure!! In the past people had children of course, but there wasn't much emphasis on a "childhood". It didn't really exist. Nowadays "children are our future" which of course is right, but it does put a huge pressure on us as parents. Havef we given them enough attention? Do we stick them in front of the TV for too long? Have they had enough stimulating play and so on... All whilst living daily life, shopping, cleaning, cooking (and trying to look after yourself a little bit!). It's a bloody (un)merry-go-round going faster and faster and something's gotta give...and it's usually me! I am pushed so far that at times I feel like pushing Ethan into oncoming traffic in his buggy. It's a flash of emotion, it lasts only a second and of course I would never do that.. I can't be the only on who feels like this?
I've been debating whether I need to go back on my tablets but I suspect that actually what I'm feeling might be the norm. I just need to readjust to this crazy world without the assistance of my mellowing sidekick.
To all you other Mummy's and Daddy's out there, new or old, I say don't worry. Don't beat yourself up. You are doing a bloody good job.
Now, go and have a big glass of wine and half a tonne of chocolate...and breath!