It's no secret I've been struggling in the last few weeks. I've written about it a few times. I had an appointment with the Dr this week, I'd decided it was time for action.
For the last 5 years I've been on and off medication for anxiety and PND. Every time I come off them I feel somehow this will be the time I'll manage to cope, to not have to go back on them again. Really, I shouldn't care. If someone is diabetic, they take the medication they need to be healthy. It should be the same for people with mental health problems.. and yet somehow, it isn't. There is still a part of me that feels I "should" be able to cope without medication. After all, exactly what is it about my life that is so hard?
I really need to learn how to relax. How to accept who I am. To lean to do nothing. It's good to want to be motivated, to work hard, but right now I have two young children, one of whom doesn't sleep though the night and sometimes only naps for 20 minutes a day. I have very little time to myself. Even blogging is hard to fit in.
Back to my Doctors appointment. I explained how I've been feeling, but it was a forgone conclusion really, I was going to go back on medication. I wouldn't have made the appointment if I didn't want to go back on them. This time I'm trying Setraline. Previously I've been prescribed Citaolpram and whilst I think it helped me, it never completely rid me of that nervous anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. I thought it would be worth seeing if something else would do a better job for me and the doc agreed.
I took my first pill this morning. I must admit I was a bit scared. First of all, there's the knowledge that once you start the pills there is a likelihood that you will feel worse for the first 2 weeks. Beyond that, it can take up to 6 weeks before you feel any better. Whilst it's good to know that I should start to feel better in the long run, it's scary to know I might well feel worse first. Then, there's the other side effects that tend to be worse in the first few weeks; nausea, insomnia, dizziness, feeling spaced out. I've suffered from these before when starting to take citalopram so I know there's a chance this may be the case again. The thought of having to carry on looking after the boys whilst feeling like this is worrying....
Day one is nearly over. So far, I've not felt too much in the way of side effects. I've felt some nausea but it eased when I ate. I feel tired, but that's not surprising as I'm only managing about 4 hours sleep at night just now anyway... I feel good that I've taken the first pill. It's the first step to feeling better again I hope.