Never good enough? What it's like to be a worrier and tips for coping:

I never feel good enough. I know I'm not the only one. Why? Why is it we feel like this? Does anyone know the answer? Is there anyone out there who is truly happy with themselves and what they achieve? Is this a state only reached after years of counseling?

I know that a certain amount of not being satisfied is good. After all, without that we'd never strive to improve and achieve. 

I seem to live in a permanent state of never feeling good enough.  I go from one worry to the next, always giving myself something new to fret over, always giving myself doubts in my ability. Sometimes I just want to bash my head in. From the moment I wake in the morning to the moment I fall asleep (and in between due to the tag team interruptions from the boys in the night) it's nagging at me:

"What are you going to feed the boys today? Is it healthy? You're planning beans on toast for tea?! My God you're a shit Mum! You should have fitted in time to make a homemade casserole!"

"Is Ethan too short?"

"How will Ethan cope with his school dinner?"

"How are you going to fit Felix's nap in today?"

There really seems to be no limit to my worry.  I've erred on the anxious my whole life.  Even as a child I remember worrying, about school work, about friends, about the safety of myself and my family.  I remember age six sleeping with a packed suitcase under my bed each night which included spare clothes, favorite toys and some books.  I kept it there in case there was a fire; I would be able to grab it before getting out.  I had also planned the safest escape route for the entire family.  For some reason I felt that it was my responsibility to get everyone out!  Fast forward to shortly after Ethan's birth over 5 years ago, one of the stupid worries I had running around my head was how on earth I would deal with packed lunches for him at school.. when I had a newborn to look after, this was just one of the extra silly things I gave myself to worry about on top of everything else!

Becoming a parent does mean extra worry.  Being a stay at home parent, even more so, I suspect.  Without a work place in which you become someone other than Mum or Dad for a few hours, your whole life revolves around your child/ren and house.  Your house almost feels like your office.  After all, it's your base.  It can be very very hard to gain perspective.

I've spoken to a lot of my stay at home Mum friends and I know many of them feel the same.  Though I feel we all worry to different degrees.

How can we cope with all of this?  Well, for me, it's a case of constant evaluation.  Because I've suffered with anxiety for most of my life, I have to look out for signs that it's going beyond normal and more into the realm of requiring medication.  However, there are some things that I do to help myself to hopefully avoid this and these are things that help all of us in these situations:

1) See friends and talk:

I really think this is just about the most important step you can take to help yourself step off the worry train.  Just a few minutes (preferably longer if children will allow!) talking with other parents will ease your burden.  Soon you will realize that they too are worrying about just how much their child has eaten.  They will confide in you that no, Jack doesn't actually sleep through the night, he climbs into their bed. You can trade horror stories, worries, concerns. It's corny, but it's true, a problem shared is a problem halved.  Just by vocalising your worries it takes some of power away from them.

2) Exercise:

Walk.  Push the pram.  Put your child in a creche if you can and do a class.  You don't need me to tell you that exercise is good for you.  It releases those lovely endorfins we all benefit from.  I can tell you first hand this works.  I start Monday morning stressed to the hilt.  The whole week is ahead, I'm missing the weekend, missing having my husband with me, worrying about how I'm going to fit everything in.  At 9:30 am I put Felix in the creche at my local leisure centre and I do a class.  Whilst I'm in that class I physically cannot worry about anything.  I'm too busy sweating and trying to keep up.  After the class I find half of the things I've been worrying about have left my head, or their significance is greatly reduced.  Plus, I feel good about myself.  I feel fit and healthy.   I also feel good because Felix has had some time playing and socialising with other children, something I feel benefits him.

3) Set aside some "me" time:

I know.. I know. You feel you haven't got time.  If you can though, even just two hours a week, just setting aside a slot in your week where you do something for you can made heaps of difference.  This could be the exercise class! Hell, kill two bird with one stone why not,  you multitasking mutha!  Perhaps you've always wanted to learn to knit?  Find a local class.  Sign up.  Go out for a drink with a friend.

Take a break!

4) Set aside "time off":

This is something I am learning to do.  I'm someone who's guilty of always trying to do too much (see the above about never feeling good enough!).  If we give ourselves too much to do, the chances are we end up doing most things badly, or at least, not to our standards.  It is SO important to switch off, do do NOTHING.  Sit in a chair in the dark.  Listen to the radio.  Sit in the garden and listen to the birds.  Put the phone and laptop away.  This leads me on to no 5:

5) Make a schedule:

This is something for the list makers out there.  Chances are, if you're a worrier, you probably also enjoy a good list!  To help myself focus on what needs to be done during the week, to fit in my exercise, blogging time and "doing nothing" time I made a schedule.  I was suffering with the feeling that I ought to be blogging/emailing/sorting things out any time I had a second where I wasn't with a child.  It was starting to make me feel very stressed and, to be honest, quite unhinged.  I decided to schedule my week, even though I was skeptical, and it's worked!  I now know which evenings I'm going to blog.  I have my exercise classes planned in.  I've organised a monthly meet up with friends so I have something to look forward to and guaranteed time to talk.  I also have very important evenings where there is nothing booked in.  All I do on those evenings now is take it easy.  I chat with the husband.  I watch TV.  I read my book.  I don't get my laptop out.  It's hard, but it's worth it.

Those are my top 5 tips for feeling better about yourself and reducing the worry in your life.  My worried never completely go away, as does my anxiety.  But I know that doing all of the above, I feel better.  Not all of the time, but some of the time.  And that is better!

Describing Anxiety

Mental health.  Little by little it is becoming more acceptable to talk about it.  Good.  That's what we need.  Most of us go about our day to day life wrapped up in whatever we are dealing with and incorrectly believing that we are the only ones who "can't cope".  It's just not true.  If you are ever actually able to have an honest conversation with friends and neighbours you may well find out that it isn't just you.  You aren't alone.  There are SO MANY of us suffering in silence with various mental health issues and we don't need to.

Talking about it really helps.  Finding someone else who understands is amazing.  Sharing those feelings, even though it may not take them away, helps a little.  I know I always feel boosted by a conversation with someone who understands.

I have always been quite honest on my blog.  That's why it's called Medicated Follower of Fashion.  During my life I have suffered with anxiety, depression and Post Natal Depression after the birth of Ethan.  I write about what I have experienced here in the hope that it might help others, that it might encourage them to talk or seek help.  Since sharing my experiences with friends I have discovered that I am by no means the only one taking medication to help.  AND THERE IS NO SHAME IN THIS.

One of the hardest things to deal with is when people don't understand.  This is something you will unfortunately come across.  Some people are just made differently.  They have never had depressive periods, negative thoughts, compulsions, low self esteem.  They just aren't built that way and just can't comprehend it.  It can be really tough when you try to explain how you feel to these people.  It's especially hard when these are people who are close to you.  I have first hand experience of this and I'm afraid my way of coping with this has been to stop fully expressing myself to these people.  Perhaps it's not the right way to go about it, but to be honest, if I'm going through a low anxious stage, I'm not going to help myself by flogging the dead horse that is trying to get across how I feel to those who can't understand.

I cope by reaching out to those that do.  There are many people out there who are a lifeline to me, both online and in "real life".  To those people, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Anyone reading who is suffering and doesn't have that lifeline, I urge you to try to find someone to speak to. It doesn't have to be a face to face conversation, there are so many support networks online.  Even just commenting here.

Overall, the condition I've suffered the longest with is anxiety.  I've had it to different degrees for as long as I can remember, even as a child.  There are various things that exacerbate it; lack of sleep, PMT, not having enough time to myself..

What does anxiety feel like?  Well, I can only describe how I feel it.  To me, it feels a little like hunger.  That gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach. Feeling like you've had too much sugar or caffeine.  A clenched jaw.  Despite medication, it's very rare the feeling ever completely leaves me.  I  worry about anything you can think of and get stressed over things causing me to plan things to a ridiculous degree.  To give you an example, shortly after Ethan was born I drove myself into a severe panic because I was worrying how I would ever find the time to make him a packed lunch whilst he started school.  I was obsessively planning in my head how I'd manage it.  He was days old.

How do I cope?  Well, firstly, I take citalopram.  This does level out my feelings.  Not completely.  I always get worse in the days leading up to my period (I feel very unhinged then) and during really stressful times such as when both of the boys are ill and I'm not sleeping.

I have been on a course with others who suffer similar feelings and have become much better at recognising when I am becoming worse.  When I recognise my feelings are "abnormal" it allows me to be a little more objective.  I listen to the feeling and then tell myself that it isn't true.  It doesn't always work but it helps. I can still feel the anxiety but it's unfounded.  It takes a little of the pressure off.

I try to up my sleep and "me time" when I suffer.  Having a break from the boys is essential for my mental health.  It's a constant balancing act though.

Why am I writing this today?  Well, I'm not particularly suffering today, actually, I'm pretty good at present, but I thought it was worth writing down and sharing.  Just in case it helps someone.

Please, if you are reading this and suffering, comment.  It may help.  Know you are NOT alone.

31 weeks - anxious, tense, stressed. Is this normal?

So... 31 weeks.  I suppose you could say I'm on the home run now.. At most it'll be 11 weeks until baby is here.  Could be sooner I suppose!

I want to write a little about how I'm feeling today.  When I first started this blog back in 2009 it was a mishmash of all sorts of things, day to day life, dealing with PND, the struggles and ups and downs of parenthood, fashion and style for Mum's and children.  These days I realise my blog is more focussed on fashion and style, both women's and children's and generally that's just fine, it's good to have a niche.  However, this is my blog and there will be times when actually, I don't want to write about what I'm wearing or what Ethan has been wearing.  Today is one of those days I'm afraid, so please, do bear with me!

There is a reason this blog is called Medicated Follower of Fashion.  If you don't know the history, shortly after Ethan was born I suffered from a great deal of anxiety and depression.  I wasn't coping and was diagnosed with PND.  I took medication for this on and off and only came off my anxiety medication when I became pregnant with baby 2.  So yes, Medicated Follower of Fashion - the medicated comes from anxiety medication and obviously it's a play on Dedicated Follower of Fashion, the song by The Kinks.

I've ummed and ahhhhed about posting this here, but it's the truth, this is how I'm feeling.  Brace yourself, this might be a bit of a brain dump.

I feel I'm struggling quite a bit. I'm getting myself all overwhelmed probably because I'm becoming more introverted. I don't know what to put it down to but in the last week I've felt more and more anxious. Generally, since coming off medication I've felt that I've been coping quite well. Yes, the odd anxious moment but nothing too out of control. Over the last week this has changed. Only two weeks ago I had a consultant appointment at the hospital to see how I was coping anxiety/depression wise and I was genuinely feeling good so that's what I said. I've definitely noticed a change though. I really don't know how to explain it.

It could just be the pregnancy hormones I suppose. I feel tense, irritable, stressed and anxious almost all the time now. The only time it truly abates is when I am entirely on my own doing something pleasant like reading a book. Or maybe if I'm with a group of friends (which isn't that often at the moment). Basically, any time when I feel absolved of responsibility to anyone or anything. As soon as Ethan is with me or Pete comes home from work I feel on edge. I don't want to be touched at all at the moment so when poor Pete comes home from work I feel on edge because I know I'll be touched and I don't want to be. He knows how I don't like being touched at the moment so bless him, he tries not to, but he's a good husband and he just wants to touch my bump, or give me a hug and a kiss. I know I'm pushing him away, and feeling bad about that makes me feel worse again.

As soon as I'm with Ethan I feel stressed and anxious. Everything just gets me all tense, like helping him get dressed, getting him ready for school, walking him to school, feeding him, the constant battles because he won't come when I call him, is really slow going to and from school, the fact he's stopped eating so many things, it all just seems like one battle after another. I know that's all completely normal but I'm finding it hard to cope with.

Then there's the fact that I'm 31+2 now and in only a matter of weeks there will be a newborn with us. I keep telling myself I can cope. It'll be OK. It won't be like last time. But still, just the thought of trying to get Ethan to preschool on time gets me stressed. We barely manage it at the moment!! How the hell am I going to do it with a newborn in tow?

I know my OCD type issues are getting worse. I constantly see things that are "imperfect" with the house, a speck on the floor, a messy sink, a fingerprint on a door handle and these are starting to weigh me down.  Maybe that's nesting in overdrive? I'm not sure!! It's hard not to get over analytical about these things!

I'm really not sure what to do. Is this all just because I'm pregnant? This hasn't been the easiest pregnancy, I've had so many symptoms and I know that physically not feeling my best is having a huge impact on my mood, so that could be a big part of it. I'm not getting much socialisation in these days. I think that's partly pregnancy and partly because Ethan is at preschool now. Last year we went to playgroups and other activities. I used to see my antenatal group friends several times each week, either there or for coffee or meeting up at each others houses and although we always had the children with us, we did get to chat a bit. These days I might see them for a few minutes in passing as we drop the children at preschool. We still meet when we can, mostly still on a Wednesday as before, but we don't have the car on a Wednesday, which used to be fine when I could walk no problem, but now I'm restricted with how much physical activity I can do in a day, so quite often we miss out on the Wednesday gathering. So, at the moment, it's not uncommon for me to go a whole week without really properly seeing anyone or chatting to anyone other than Pete and Ethan. I know that won't be helping things.

By far the most worrying thing, I think, is that people keep asking me if I'm excited now that baby is so close. Honestly? No. I'm fucking scared and worried I've made the worst decision of my life. That about sums up how I feel about his impending birth!  I feel terrible about that.  I know I will love this baby.  I love Ethan with my whole heart, I've never loved anything or anyone as much as I love that little boy and I know despite all my concerns I will love this new baby.  I know what a hard journey that was the first time though. The thought of facing it all again is scaring me.

I wanted to write a positive pregnancy post this week, I want to write about planning my home birth.. but this is how I am feeling at the moment, so I'm afraid this is what I need to write about.

Thanks for bearing with me, readers! x

Stay at home, Mum?

When I'm out, with friends, family, or at a group, I feel like a fantastic Mum.  It's almost like I can see myself through their eyes.  I have a whole different perspective on myself and my abilities.

When I'm at home, I feel like a terrible Mum.  I feel tense.  All I can hear is myself saying "No! Don't do that!" or "Wait a minute, I've just got to hang the washing up".  I feel weighed down by responsibility and imposed upon by my child and my house.  I feel annoyance and anxiety.  I loose all perspective and all sense of self.



When we're out, I'm fun, relaxed and I feel free.  So free.

I love being a Mum.  I don't want a life where I rush out to a job I hate, having to put Ethan in childcare.  I'm happy to call myself a stay at home Mum.  I just struggle with the stay at home aspect...