Some periods in life are a struggle. For the last five or six weeks we've had a tricky time. We are so SO lucky in so many ways and I know that. Our boys are healthy happy lads, we don't suffer from any serious illnesses or disabilities, our families are close by, we have friends. However, there are times when none of that seems to lift your spirits.. and the last few weeks have been one of those times.
Illness. Our family seems to have been ill almost constantly this year, especially Felix. I can promise you that I am not exaggerating when I say we have mere days between illnesses. If Felix isn't ill, he's teething. He's cut nearly 18 teeth now, that's more than one tooth for every month he been alive!
Mental health. Mine has been struggling of late. I can't imagine that you don't know, but the reason this blog is called "Medicated" Follower of Fashion is because when I started this blog I was recovering from PND and was taking citalopram. Over the last 5 years I have come on and off medication. I most recently came off medication in May this year and since then I have been constantly evaluating how I'm feeling. This in itself isn't helpful to mental health. To be constantly analysing myself, constantly wondering if what I'm feeling is "normal" or abnormal. Wondering if coming off the medication was the right choice.
With the last few weeks being so hard, it's especially trying on my mind and spirit. I've got to point where I have to take each day hour by hour. Sometimes I think I'm going to have to get myself straight to the doctor. Some days are better. I've been receiving great support from my local Health Visitor team which I'm hugely grateful for. I am an anxious person and constant illness and loss of sleep has a huge effect on me. I've been suffering from low moods, doubting negative thoughts, huge self doubt. For now I've decided to stay off the meds, but as I say, I'm taking things hour by hour and if I feel that changes, I know just what to do.
All in all, I feel that at the moment I am existing. Surviving. I don't truly feel I am living. I don't always feel very present in the moment, often I'm caught up in an anxious cycle, trying to figure out exactly how my day will pan out, planning and planning and feeling panicked until I know exactly what I'll be doing.
I don't like feeling like this... but I suspect that whilst Felix is still so young and so susceptible to illness, this may well just be how it's going to be for a while. It seems awful but I tend to focus on a year from now. This time next year I'll have a toddler who well on his way to being two and a half. Two years from now he'll be in preschool. Three years from now he'll be at school. Time will fly by. I don't want to wish it past, I want to be in the moment, enjoy him, hold him, know it won't last forever, but at the same time I need to focus on the future.
My blog is suffering a little at the moment I feel. I love my blog and I'm so proud of it but I'm having to hold back a bit. I just don't have the energy to work on it until 1 am several nights a week like I was a few months ago. The summer holidays and a string of illnesses have sapped some of the joy for me.
If my posts are a little sporadic, if I don't reply to comments quickly, if I'm not tweeting much, this is why. I don't know how some parent bloggers manage to write as much as they do and take part in so much social media, but I just know I can't compete on that level. Not unless I want a breakdown.
Tell me I'm not the only one who feels like this sometimes?