Being a Mum of two: One year in

Felix turned one this Sunday just gone.  One year old.  Just where has that year gone?  I really can't tell you.  It's been a blur.  Becoming a Mum of two has been a really... interesting experience.  It's a strange thing.  Obviously, on the one hand, you are already a Mum, you know about children and babies.  But like everything to do with this parenting lark, nothing can prepare you for the reality.

Felix Jakub a few moments old

In the early days, something I really struggled with was a feeling of loss.  Just like the first time around when you morn for your old life.  I wasn't expecting this, it was a surprise to me.  I felt sad because I missed my one on one time with Ethan.  I didn't like the way Felix had interrupted our routine, our little unit of three.  I was worried Ethan was missing out.  I kept crying, I felt so detached from him.  With time this feeling eased.  That's all it ever comes down to really, time.  You adjust.  Your lives chance but you adapt.  Before long, you can't remember the old days and all of a sudden, you are a unit of four.  And that feels nice.  To us, four feels like a "proper" family, whatever that may be.  This is a personal thing though - three was good too!

Felix has grown from a small squeely helpless thing into.. well, an absolute bloody nightmare really.  I should have known from the moment he turned from his back onto his front at 3 days old.  As we've gone through the different stages there have been easier times and harder times.  It was tricky in the early days when Felix was waking for a feed 3 or 4 times each night.  Having to get up and get on with things due to having a 4 year old could be hard.  But on the other hand, it was good to have purpose.

I am finding the current stage quite hard.  Felix gets into everything and does things over and over again.  He is switched on there is no doubt of that but he has no fear and the sense of a lemming.  One of his current favourite games is putting toys in the loo.  So lovely cleaning them after he's given them a "bath".

He started walking at 11 months old - I thought he would walk earlier to be honest because he's been standing for months.  It's so cute seeing him staggering around.  We've had quite a few words from him now (although as his parents it's easier for us to understand what he's saying, let's be honest!).  His first word was clock but we now have:

Clock

Granddad

Grandma

Mumma

Daddy

Deden (Ethan)

Dog

Alfie

Cat

Owl

Ham

Bye bye

Night Night

Clock as a first word might seem a bit strange - we have a Kitty Cat clock at the bottom of our stairs; one of those ones with a swinging tail.  It's always caught Felix's attention (funny really, Felix The Cat!).  He likes to look at is as much as possible.  He makes a ticking noise and waves his hand from side to side to mimic the tail.  Eventually he started saying "cat clock".  I've just bought him one with birthday money to go in his bedroom so I hope he'll still like it!!  Will he sleep again I wonder!

Felix at 8 months

I find being a Mum of two is such a balancing act.  I am someone who likes order.  I like my house nice and tidy.  I like to be able to keep it in good nick.  If I can't vac one week or clean the bathroom I start to feel stressed and quite down about it all.  This week, for example, has been quite a trial.  With Felix as he is at the moment, I've not had a moment to get anything apart from the basics done.  I am currently in the process of coming off my anxiety meds and quite possible suffering PMT as well.  A great combination with a rainy half term!  This is when I feel low and start to pine for how things were.  I'd never go back.  I can't.  I love my two boys so much my heart bursts but as I ended up blurting out today, sometimes I just want to be ALONE.  I'm quite an introvert really and I need time to myself, time to be quiet with no one badgering me.  I'm lucky in that Ethan is at school and often once a week my parents take Felix for a few hours.  I am not joking AT ALL when I say that those few hours are what sustains me throughout the week.  That and the few late nights.  Though I suspect they are as detrimental as they are good.  Lack of sleep doesn't do you good either.. back with the balancing act again!

Brothers

Having a second child was not a decision we took lightly.  I had PND and anxiety after Ethan and we both knew we wanted a reasonable age gap.  I think overall that our nearly 4 year age gap has worked well for us.  I must admit that at the moment I spend time each day telling myself that these hard times won't last for ever.  I tell myself I've just got to get through the next couple of years and then I'll have two delightful boys who listen to me and are easier to communicate with.  I hope!!  Ethan is already at that stage but obviously Felix has a way to go.

Felix is One!

I think one of the hardest parts of motherhood is remembering to stop and enjoy the moment.  They are so young and innocent and they won't stay that way for long at all. Every night I go in to my boys rooms and I hold their hands.  I lean over them and take in their beautiful scent.  I stroke their heads and kiss them and say "I love you".  They look so peaceful and beautiful.  I am stuck between wanting them to grow up and wanting them to stay frozen in the moment.

One of the best things about having both boys is seeing the bond between them grow.  Felix idolises Ethan and Ethan does like being a big brother deep down.  I know they will look out for each other.

I know, I just know these days are SO precious.  However flipping hard they are, I expect I will look back and remember them as the best days.  These are my salad days and the boys are my salad dressing!!

Baby Led Weaning (BLW) - Reaching The Wall?

Felix has been "having" solids for a few weeks now.  I started introducing them a few days short of his 6 month birthday.  He's 7 and a half months now, so I suppose it's been something like 7/8 weeks.  And.. well, I'm just not sure how it's going.

He loves playing with his food.  He's mostly happy to go in his high chair, he enjoys being at the table with us.  But how much does he actually eat?  Not a huge amount.  Now, I know things are a bit different with BLW when compared to weaning using puréed and mashed food.  I know that very often babies given mashed food often eat a larger volume when compared to BL babies... yet, I'm still paranoid.  It seems to be in the job description as a parent - you worry and doubt!

I do help Felix eat some of his food with a spoon.  Usually, if it's something soft/liquid like yoghurt, redibreck, soup etc.  I give him one spoon and I have another spoon.  He doesn't love being fed by me but as long as he has a spoon as well it usually works.  Most of his meals are finger foods though and every meal time more gets thrown away than gets eaten.  I feel like I might be coming up against something like the runners wall.  Do I keep on going?  Do I turn around and try another approach?

I thought I'd write my thoughts down, bounce a few ideas around, ask for some advice.  Here are my main concerns:

1) Nutrition.  Is Felix having enough to supplement his milk?  I know the mantra, "Until they're one, it's just for fun" but I have recently read various opinions that counteract this.  It is often said that breastmilk is the perfect food for babies and that up to their 1st birthday they don't really "need" anything else.  There is no doubt that it is full of fantastic things they need but it isn't a fantastic source of iron or zinc.  Felix, of course, is formula fed, and so, I'm not sure whether this applies.  I know his formula is a great source of vitamins and minerals including iron.  Perhaps he gets enough from his formula alone?  I keep swinging between feeling OK and worrying on this point..

2) Waste.  I hate waste.  Nothing makes me sadder than disposing of good food.  What can be salvaged, is salvaged.  If possible, I scoop it up and serve it again at another mealtime.  This isn't always possible though.  Sometimes I can leave stuff for Pete to eat when he gets home from work (he's always hungry after his bike ride!).  Sometimes I eat it.  If we're at my parents house, the dog might be able to eat it.  More often than not, though, it has to get thrown.  At least these days we have food waste bins and I know great things happen with our food waste.  We have a compost bin as well... but still, it makes me sad to see tasty food getting thrown away!  I tell myself this stage won't last long.. it' can't last long?  It still bothers me though.

3)  Poo.  This is a strange one, I'll admit.  One of the reasons I'm so keen for Felix to eat more solids is so that his poo will become firmer!!  It's selfish, I know, but with cloth nappies, there's a lot more hands on poo scraping involved and it will be so much easier when they roll off the fleece liner instead of me scraping it off with my "poo spoon" into the loo!  He's a 4 times a day kind of pooer as well.  I wouldn't mind so much if it were once a day!

4) Sleeping through.  He still feeds at night.  Heading towards 8 months old, formula fed and still feeds at night.  I know, it's selfish again.  I also know that solids and sleeping through don't go hand in hand, but there's always that voice at the back of my head "if he ate more, he might sleep through!".  He's managed to sleep 7pm - 6am 3 times I think.  Most of the time, though, he still wakes anywhere between 12am - 5am for a feed.  It's only once a night, I know it could be worse.  It's annoying though when I know breastfed babies that slept through from 8 weeks and there he is on his formula still not sleeping through.

5) When?  When will it change?  At what point will it click with him and he'll suddenly start understanding what food is for and actually want to eat it?  This is the one that troubles me the most really.  I suppose it's just a case of hanging in there, but it's so hard.  On top of all of the other things going on during my day, getting the boys up and dressed in the morning, getting out on the school run, food shopping, cleaning, washing, nappies, swimming classes, gardening, blogging...... it sometimes just feels like another stress, this weaning process!

So.  Please.  I need your advice, your support, your stories.   Will it change?  It was so different with Ethan (I didn't know about BLW and it was over 4 years ago, it's amazing what you forget!).  Do I keep going?  I like that mealtimes aren't stressful for Felix.  It's that that keeps me going really.  Mealtimes were a battle with Ethan.  Felix isn't force fed.  I respect his right to refuse something being put in his mouth..  but I am his mother, it's also my job to see he gets what he needs!  Help!

Six months old - Baby Led Weaning begins! An open letter to Felix.

How can 6 months have flown by?  Just a moment ago you were a tiny squawking newborn, Felix!  Now you are sitting, rolling around, shuffling backwards and on the cusp of perfecting crawling forward.  So exciting!

Last Friday we introduced your first solids.  Your first taste was a banana followed by rice cakes and a breadstick.  Actually, scrap that.  I just remembered you stole some bread from Daddy the other week... still, your first official "meal" was the banana and rice cake etc...

You've tried a heap of stuff now!

Toast
Bread
Breadsticks
Rice cakes
Carrot
Broccoli
Sweetcorn
Blueberries
Pineapple
Stewed apple
Banana
Marmite sandwich
Porridge
Cheerios
Shreddies
Spaghetti
Mixed fruit purée
Philadelphia on toast/bread
Avocado
Scrambled egg
Cheddar

Without a doubt you like banana, fruit pots, rice cakes, cheddar and bread the best at the moment.  It's lovely starting this journey with you.  The funny little faces you make as you experience the new tastes and textures.  This morning you enjoyed some banana and porridge mixed up.  You prefer to eat it from my fingers!!!!!

We are going for a baby lead approach but I'm not against the use of spoons as long as you aren't being force fed.  Usually you have one spoon and I have the other and we rotate.  Or, like this morning, you eat from your fingers and mine!! Whatever works.

At six months old you have three teeth which surprised me.  Your big brother Ethan didn't get his first tooth until he was 12 months old!  You still wake twice a night for a bottle, usually you make it through 12-14 oz of milk in a night.  Just like your brother in that respect.

You are a very good boy.  You prefer your naps in your cot.  Usually you have a two hour nap in the cot (mid morning usually) and a cat nap in the afternoon, in the buggy or cot, depending on what we are doing.  You settle like a dream in your cot.  You are happy to be put down awake which makes life easier!

We use cloth nappies on your cute little behind.  At first you were totally in disposables, but over time we've made it from full time disposables to part time to full time including nights.  Although your grandparents will always put you in a disposable.  I suppose Grandma had enough of cloth when she brought me up!!!  You look so cute with a big cloth bum and I get too much of a thrill putting you in cute nappies... as if I need another addiction!

You adore your big brother.  No one makes you smile and laugh like he does.  It warms my heart to see the two of you together and I really hope you'll grow up loving and supporting each other.

It hasn't been easy adjusting to being a Mummy of two.  It's damn hard work and some days are hugely stressful, rushing too and from.  Sometimes I feel you get the raw end of the deal because you get taken from place to place as we rush about with your brother (school, swimming, friends houses) but you always seem such a cheerful chap.  Everyone comments on it!

You smell like heaven.  One of the bonuses of the fact I only wash my hair twice a week is that your beautiful smell gets transferred onto my hair and I love catching a whiff of my baby boy on me.  Weird, I know.. but no one smells as good as my boys!

I love you little man! Happy 6 months.  Here's to the future! xx