Growing up is bitter sweet

At this time of year I am painfully aware of life flying past me.  The school term is drawing to a close and I just can't quite get my head around it.

This time last year Ethan was preparing to leave preschool.  He had had his school visits with his "big school".  I remember attending with him (along with a tiny baby Felix who didn't really move and didn't mind being stuck in a buggy!!) and thinking how small he appeared in comparison to the children currently in the reception class, in their uniforms, knowing the teachers, knowing where everything goes.   They seemed so grown up and now, one year on, my own little boy is just the same as them - at least in the eyes of the new school Mums attending the settling in mornings with their preschoolers.  In my eyes though, he's just the same.

Accept he's not, is he?  If I look at it objectively, if I look back at the year as a whole, I can see so many changes, physical, emotional, educational.  He is taller.  He still seems diddy in comparison to much of his class but I know he's grown.  I can see the evidence in black ink marked up on our wall chart.  He's actually shot up by about 7cm in the last year.  He can read. He wasn't able to do that a year ago.  He can write far more than his name.   He can write phonetically.  Even if words aren't spelt correctly, they sound right when you read them out.  He can count far beyond 100.  He talks to me of diagraphs and trigraphs.  Things I am supposed to understand but at not yet 5, he is already talking to me in a language I am struggling to decipher!   Just today, on the school run, he said "Mummy, let's count in even numbers!".

This time last year, the stabilisers on his bike had just come off.  Today he whizzes around at breakneck speed and is about to move onto his THIRD bike (when you include the balance bike he had from age 2).  An age 5-8 BMX with skulls on it!

He can swim almost without any support.  He will jump in the pool and go underwater.  All things he wasn't doing a year ago.

Right in front of my eyes my little boy is disappearing.  I just want to press pause.  Each morning I drop him at school and on the walk home, find myself tearing up behind my sunglasses.  How can this be?   Where has this year gone?  How can he be moving into Year One?  He's not ready, is he?  Yes.  Yes he is.  It's me who isn't ready.

I know he still needs me and boy do I cling to that.  When he is ill, it's me he wants.  I have to admit that in some weird way I rejoice a little when he is ill.  It's a rare chance to hop off the cartwheel of life and just be together (well, as together as we can be when Felix is jumping all over us).  I can keep him home from school for a day or so and we can have some time.  It feels like precious stolen time.  Life is SO busy these days, the weeks pass in a blur and one day runs into the next.  There hardly ever seems to be time to stop.  It it's the week, we are busy with school, swimming, dance class, reading homework..  If it's the weekend we are busy going out and about, visiting friends and family.  If we get the chance to have a day at home, the car needs washing, the windows need washing, the lawn needs mowing, the fences need painting. There is ALWAYS something.

This is why it is speeding by so fast.  That and the fact we have Felix.  He adds a whole extra layer of busy to the mix.

Sometimes, I fantasise about a time a few years from now.  When Felix is 3 for example, maybe at preschool a few times a week.  In my fantasy I get more time to work on my blog, time to look for a job, time to myself.  I also have two lovely boys in my future fantasy;  Ethan will be 7, Felix 3.  Those are nice ages I think.  I suspect that this will be the "golden time".  The boys will be young enough to still be sweet and un-jaded.  They will still question everything and enjoy being with us, like to snuggle up on the sofa together.  I can image us as a family of four getting out and about. Camping, travelling, going to a festival.  Unencumbered by baby gear, nappies, buggies etc.  When I have a hard day dealing with Captain Energy (Felix) I think of those days.

I worry that Ethan doesn't get enough of my attention at the moment.  It's worse than when Felix was a newborn.  At least he slept more in the day then and I could have a conversation with Ethan uninterrupted.  These days, with Felix only napping for about 20 minutes all day long and not sitting still for a moment in-between I get very little time I can dedicated solely to Ethan.  This is another thing that makes me sad.  My little boy is slipping through my fingers and I don't have time to catch him.

Gosh, I am getting maudlin! I have Slipping Through My Fingers by Abba going through my head and tears forming in my eyes as I sit in a busy Starbucks.  I don't want him to turn 5 in two weeks.  I don't want him to move into Year One.  I want him to stay in my arms forever so I can stroke his cheek and smell his wonderful "Ethan" smell. Unless he farts. Then he can get the heck off my lap ;-)

I'm just going to share the Abba lyrics so you can all blub along with me and then I'm going to eat a Krispy Kreme donut.

Slipping Through My Fingers - ABBA

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that I'm losing her forever
And without really entering her world
I'm glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what's in her mind
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake I let precious time go by
Then when she's gone, there's that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt I can't deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go
Well, some of that we did, but most we didn't
And why, I just don't know

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what's in her mind
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time

Slipping through my fingers all the time

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile

OK.  I'm totally crying now...

The Last One

Ever since giving birth to Felix I have been plagued by some rather unexpected feelings. You could almost say unwanted feelings! No. Perhaps that's too strong. Surprising maybe.

You might have an inkling about what I'm going to say, especially if you've had more than one child.

I am plagued by a creeping sadness. It comes on at unexpected moments.  It takes me by surprise.  Why sadness? A good question. I feel so much joy in being mother to my boys.  But it is bitter-sweet.  Every day I love them more.  Every day they grow a little more independent.  I am struck with the realization that they won't always rely on me so heavily.  Every day Felix does something new, it feels like the last time.

We don't plan to have more children.  We haven't 100% ruled it out, but 2 is probably it for us.  In fact, having Ethan was such a shocking change of lifestyle for us, it took us over 3 years to feel ready to try again.  However, it has been easier to adjust the second time around, and now, despite knowing how hard it all is, despite never wanting all the horrible parts of pregnancy again, I feel sad.

Each time Felix grows, I give away or sell most of the clothes.  Already he has out grown some toys which have been gifted to friends.

The baby bouncer- gone.  The bumbo- gone.  The baby gym- gone.  The list is endless.

These days are SO precious.  I swear, most days slip through my fingers before I have a chance to think.  To pause.

Tonight, Felix has woken several times already.  Each time I have gone in and held him close.  Breathing him in.  I wish I could bottle his scent.  The most precious memory.  I physically need my boys.  I can't bear the thought that one day I won't be able to hold them like this any more.

I think it's the hardest lesson as a parent. Loving them but knowing you have to let go.

How can a heart feel so full yet breaking at the same time?

 

Baby Led Weaning (BLW) - Reaching The Wall?

Felix has been "having" solids for a few weeks now.  I started introducing them a few days short of his 6 month birthday.  He's 7 and a half months now, so I suppose it's been something like 7/8 weeks.  And.. well, I'm just not sure how it's going.

He loves playing with his food.  He's mostly happy to go in his high chair, he enjoys being at the table with us.  But how much does he actually eat?  Not a huge amount.  Now, I know things are a bit different with BLW when compared to weaning using puréed and mashed food.  I know that very often babies given mashed food often eat a larger volume when compared to BL babies... yet, I'm still paranoid.  It seems to be in the job description as a parent - you worry and doubt!

I do help Felix eat some of his food with a spoon.  Usually, if it's something soft/liquid like yoghurt, redibreck, soup etc.  I give him one spoon and I have another spoon.  He doesn't love being fed by me but as long as he has a spoon as well it usually works.  Most of his meals are finger foods though and every meal time more gets thrown away than gets eaten.  I feel like I might be coming up against something like the runners wall.  Do I keep on going?  Do I turn around and try another approach?

I thought I'd write my thoughts down, bounce a few ideas around, ask for some advice.  Here are my main concerns:

1) Nutrition.  Is Felix having enough to supplement his milk?  I know the mantra, "Until they're one, it's just for fun" but I have recently read various opinions that counteract this.  It is often said that breastmilk is the perfect food for babies and that up to their 1st birthday they don't really "need" anything else.  There is no doubt that it is full of fantastic things they need but it isn't a fantastic source of iron or zinc.  Felix, of course, is formula fed, and so, I'm not sure whether this applies.  I know his formula is a great source of vitamins and minerals including iron.  Perhaps he gets enough from his formula alone?  I keep swinging between feeling OK and worrying on this point..

2) Waste.  I hate waste.  Nothing makes me sadder than disposing of good food.  What can be salvaged, is salvaged.  If possible, I scoop it up and serve it again at another mealtime.  This isn't always possible though.  Sometimes I can leave stuff for Pete to eat when he gets home from work (he's always hungry after his bike ride!).  Sometimes I eat it.  If we're at my parents house, the dog might be able to eat it.  More often than not, though, it has to get thrown.  At least these days we have food waste bins and I know great things happen with our food waste.  We have a compost bin as well... but still, it makes me sad to see tasty food getting thrown away!  I tell myself this stage won't last long.. it' can't last long?  It still bothers me though.

3)  Poo.  This is a strange one, I'll admit.  One of the reasons I'm so keen for Felix to eat more solids is so that his poo will become firmer!!  It's selfish, I know, but with cloth nappies, there's a lot more hands on poo scraping involved and it will be so much easier when they roll off the fleece liner instead of me scraping it off with my "poo spoon" into the loo!  He's a 4 times a day kind of pooer as well.  I wouldn't mind so much if it were once a day!

4) Sleeping through.  He still feeds at night.  Heading towards 8 months old, formula fed and still feeds at night.  I know, it's selfish again.  I also know that solids and sleeping through don't go hand in hand, but there's always that voice at the back of my head "if he ate more, he might sleep through!".  He's managed to sleep 7pm - 6am 3 times I think.  Most of the time, though, he still wakes anywhere between 12am - 5am for a feed.  It's only once a night, I know it could be worse.  It's annoying though when I know breastfed babies that slept through from 8 weeks and there he is on his formula still not sleeping through.

5) When?  When will it change?  At what point will it click with him and he'll suddenly start understanding what food is for and actually want to eat it?  This is the one that troubles me the most really.  I suppose it's just a case of hanging in there, but it's so hard.  On top of all of the other things going on during my day, getting the boys up and dressed in the morning, getting out on the school run, food shopping, cleaning, washing, nappies, swimming classes, gardening, blogging...... it sometimes just feels like another stress, this weaning process!

So.  Please.  I need your advice, your support, your stories.   Will it change?  It was so different with Ethan (I didn't know about BLW and it was over 4 years ago, it's amazing what you forget!).  Do I keep going?  I like that mealtimes aren't stressful for Felix.  It's that that keeps me going really.  Mealtimes were a battle with Ethan.  Felix isn't force fed.  I respect his right to refuse something being put in his mouth..  but I am his mother, it's also my job to see he gets what he needs!  Help!

Six months old - Baby Led Weaning begins! An open letter to Felix.

How can 6 months have flown by?  Just a moment ago you were a tiny squawking newborn, Felix!  Now you are sitting, rolling around, shuffling backwards and on the cusp of perfecting crawling forward.  So exciting!

Last Friday we introduced your first solids.  Your first taste was a banana followed by rice cakes and a breadstick.  Actually, scrap that.  I just remembered you stole some bread from Daddy the other week... still, your first official "meal" was the banana and rice cake etc...

You've tried a heap of stuff now!

Toast
Bread
Breadsticks
Rice cakes
Carrot
Broccoli
Sweetcorn
Blueberries
Pineapple
Stewed apple
Banana
Marmite sandwich
Porridge
Cheerios
Shreddies
Spaghetti
Mixed fruit purée
Philadelphia on toast/bread
Avocado
Scrambled egg
Cheddar

Without a doubt you like banana, fruit pots, rice cakes, cheddar and bread the best at the moment.  It's lovely starting this journey with you.  The funny little faces you make as you experience the new tastes and textures.  This morning you enjoyed some banana and porridge mixed up.  You prefer to eat it from my fingers!!!!!

We are going for a baby lead approach but I'm not against the use of spoons as long as you aren't being force fed.  Usually you have one spoon and I have the other and we rotate.  Or, like this morning, you eat from your fingers and mine!! Whatever works.

At six months old you have three teeth which surprised me.  Your big brother Ethan didn't get his first tooth until he was 12 months old!  You still wake twice a night for a bottle, usually you make it through 12-14 oz of milk in a night.  Just like your brother in that respect.

You are a very good boy.  You prefer your naps in your cot.  Usually you have a two hour nap in the cot (mid morning usually) and a cat nap in the afternoon, in the buggy or cot, depending on what we are doing.  You settle like a dream in your cot.  You are happy to be put down awake which makes life easier!

We use cloth nappies on your cute little behind.  At first you were totally in disposables, but over time we've made it from full time disposables to part time to full time including nights.  Although your grandparents will always put you in a disposable.  I suppose Grandma had enough of cloth when she brought me up!!!  You look so cute with a big cloth bum and I get too much of a thrill putting you in cute nappies... as if I need another addiction!

You adore your big brother.  No one makes you smile and laugh like he does.  It warms my heart to see the two of you together and I really hope you'll grow up loving and supporting each other.

It hasn't been easy adjusting to being a Mummy of two.  It's damn hard work and some days are hugely stressful, rushing too and from.  Sometimes I feel you get the raw end of the deal because you get taken from place to place as we rush about with your brother (school, swimming, friends houses) but you always seem such a cheerful chap.  Everyone comments on it!

You smell like heaven.  One of the bonuses of the fact I only wash my hair twice a week is that your beautiful smell gets transferred onto my hair and I love catching a whiff of my baby boy on me.  Weird, I know.. but no one smells as good as my boys!

I love you little man! Happy 6 months.  Here's to the future! xx