Ever since giving birth to Felix I have been plagued by some rather unexpected feelings. You could almost say unwanted feelings! No. Perhaps that's too strong. Surprising maybe.
You might have an inkling about what I'm going to say, especially if you've had more than one child.
I am plagued by a creeping sadness. It comes on at unexpected moments. It takes me by surprise. Why sadness? A good question. I feel so much joy in being mother to my boys. But it is bitter-sweet. Every day I love them more. Every day they grow a little more independent. I am struck with the realization that they won't always rely on me so heavily. Every day Felix does something new, it feels like the last time.
We don't plan to have more children. We haven't 100% ruled it out, but 2 is probably it for us. In fact, having Ethan was such a shocking change of lifestyle for us, it took us over 3 years to feel ready to try again. However, it has been easier to adjust the second time around, and now, despite knowing how hard it all is, despite never wanting all the horrible parts of pregnancy again, I feel sad.
Each time Felix grows, I give away or sell most of the clothes. Already he has out grown some toys which have been gifted to friends.
The baby bouncer- gone. The bumbo- gone. The baby gym- gone. The list is endless.
These days are SO precious. I swear, most days slip through my fingers before I have a chance to think. To pause.
Tonight, Felix has woken several times already. Each time I have gone in and held him close. Breathing him in. I wish I could bottle his scent. The most precious memory. I physically need my boys. I can't bear the thought that one day I won't be able to hold them like this any more.
I think it's the hardest lesson as a parent. Loving them but knowing you have to let go.
How can a heart feel so full yet breaking at the same time?