Last Friday, hubby and I went for a spa day. Ahhhhhh, I know, how idyllic does that sound? Lovely. And mostly, it was.... but just like Ethan will end up in the accident book 2 our of 3 days at pre-school, so will I end up in some awkward and embarrassing situation when I am supposed to be doing something relaxing/fun.
I have been known to wonder into men's changing rooms. Let me explain. I am very short sighted, and when I used to swim pre contact lenses, I had a very hard time telling apart men's and women's changing rooms unless I was very familiar with the layout. There have been several red-faced occasions on which I have wondered into a changing room only to come face to face with a bevy of dangling dongs and overweight hairy men. Not nice, especially when you are 12.
Still, of all of my changing room disasters, I think last Friday was the worst. At least it was the most humiliating.
We had been lounging by the pool for a while, Pete reading whilst I dozed on and off. Lovely. We decided it was getting late, we wanted to fit in a coffee before dashing back to parenthood, so went our separate ways to get changed. I happily mooched into the ladies changing rooms, took a shower, dried myself off with my complimentary towel and then meandered back to my locker to get out my clothes... all well and good.. except I soon realised my grave error. In my attempt to be organised and save time, I wore my bikini under my clothes on our way to the spa. On entering the changing rooms, I gave Pete our bag to keep in his locker because he hadn't worn his trunks (they were neatly folded away in said bag). That bag also contained my bra and knickers. All fine. Except I bloody well forgot to get them off him!! I was stuck in the ladies changing room with clothes but no undies to go underneath them! Now, I know many of you will be thinking, OK, that's annoying, but just get dressed without them! No.. NO WAY. You don't have 32F breasts, do you? Nope, I'm sorry. I'd already spent the day mooching about in an oversized dressing gown, I was not about to top it off my going to ask for an Americano with my tits flapping all over the place, probably knocking over children. No.
I grabbed my phone from my bag. I could call Pete, tell him what was wrong and meet him between the two changing rooms. Phew. Except I had no bastard reception, did I?! Couldn't phone and text messages wouldn't even send. I stomped up and down the changing room muttering to myself a few times, but soon realised I was getting strange looks. I would have to take a more dramatic form of action. I exited the ladies, steeled myself and strolled nonchalantly up to the entrance of the men's. I peered in. I couldn't see anyone. I peeped in a little further. I could hear someone in a shower, but that was it. I prepared to walk in a little further when a father and son appeared. Deciding I couldn't be seen "perrving" into the men's changing room by a young boy, I ran out of the way, panting back into the ladies. Damn!!!!
Again, I strolled around the ladies, considering my options. No, I couldn't come up with anything else, so again, I made my way back to the men's. This time, I peered around with more conviction, but again, I couldn't see anyone. I decided to shout for Pete. At first it was a tentative "Pete?!" but after four or more shouts it was more of a scream "PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETE!". Nothing. Not a sodding thing. Again, I made my way back to the ladies.
I was fuming by this point. I just didn't know what to do. I got my phone out and typed a shirty message to Pete "You've got my bra and knickers! I need them!" but of course, it didn't send. Sigh. I felt I had no choice but to go back and try one more time. After that, I don't know, Pete would just have to send out a rescue party for me, I was going to move into the steam room.
So... back again. I walked straight into the men's changing room and yelled out for Pete. Nothing again. So, I just stood there. I decided I would accost the next man that appeared. I didn't have to wait for long. Of course, it just happened to be a super buff good looking man. It would be, wouldn't it. You should have seen the look that passed his face when he saw me, a short, scraggy looking woman clutching a towel around her. God only knows what he thought. He gave me an odd look and then went to step past me. Oh no Mister, I thought. I grabbed him by the arm and implored "Excuse me! I'm looking for my husband, dark blonde hair and glasses - you haven't seen him in the changing room have you?" The poor man looks bemused "Err, no, I haven't seen anyone looking like that in there" (like he was eyeing up the other inhabitants anyway!). I wasn't willing to let him go though yet. No, I couldn't just let it go with little embarrassment, could I? No, I had to add the following, just to ensure he really had a good story to tell his mates down the pub "Are you sure? Only he's got my bra and knickers and I really need them!" My God, you really should have seen his face. He actually couldn't contain the laughter. The poor man just exploded with laughter and ran off into the pool. What did I expect? I stood there, rooted to the spot. Yes, I was embarrassed but I still didn't have any fecking underwear, did I? At that very moment, Pete appeared, running into the changing room. He looked surprised to find me clutching a towel around myself in the men's. I shout at him "You've got my underwear for Gods sake Pete! I can't get dressed without it!" " I know", he replies breathlessly.. "I just realised when I got outside, I saw you weren't there yet so I reached into our bag to get my kindle and pulled out your pants instead!".
Yeah, that was a really relaxing day at the spa. Can't wait to go back!