I don't think I actually managed to update things with regards to my anxiety after having a bad day the Wednesday before last.
I thought I was getting back on top of things, but I'm now nearly 2 weeks into another course of antidepressants. I don't mind. I've come to terms with being on them. I don't think my family are so convinced, but I think it's one of those subjects where it's hard to understand if you've not been through it yourself. There is still so much stigma attached to mental illness. Some of us just can't create the right amounts of chemicals in our brains and need extra help. Sometimes it's for a short time, sometimes it's forever. You wouldn't tell a diabetic to come off their medication, so why do people feel it's ok to tell someone on medication for depression or anxiety that they should?
Anyway, no matter what, I am back on them for now. I know they take a while to kick in, but even if it's just a placebo effect, or a security blanket type feeling, I already feel better.
I know I need more than medication though. I need.. no, I HAVE to get myself referred for CBT to help me learn not to get anxious and stress about unimportant things. I can't believe I've not phoned the self-referral number yet. Please, if you're reading this, comment and tweet me - help badger me into phoning them! It's a combination of putting something off and being genuinely ill/forgetful. I need to get it done though.. I'm supposed to go back to the Doc in a couple of days to tell them how I'm getting on and tell them that I've phoned up for the CBT.. I'm behaving like I used to at school when I was trying to avoid coursework in the hope that somehow it'd do itself! Silly behaviour. Doing nothing gets you nowhere in these situations!
I feel I've been calmer with Ethan since admitting I was struggling again. It does help to be honest and talk to people. My anxiety causes me to become far too introspective and very paranoid. I was imagining that friends were ignoring me or talking about me. Stupid. When you get low though, you loose perspective. You feel down about yourself so you assume everyone else feels you are scum that doesn't deserve anything. I was feeling low about everything, feeling fat, spotty, unhealthy, paranoid. The reality is that I'm no fatter than I've been for months. If I feel unhealthy, it's because we've all been so ill for weeks on end! Spring is around the corner, hopefully the germs will die off and then I can get my energy levels back up and actually feel like exercising. I got myself some acne cream whilst at the Docs as well and it's already improved my skin.
Things are looking up, and that's a good thing. Yes, I am ill again but it'll be over soon. I'm so lucky to have a wonderful husband who helps out at home and fantastic parents who are always willing to help out despite their own ailments.
Tomorrow I WILL call that number.