Thursday 1 March 2012

They f**k you up, your parents do..

I hate that now Ethan is old enough to know emotions, he knows when I am upset and low. This anxiety/PND/whatever it is takes over and I sit there crumpled on the floor, hot tears streaming down my face. He knows I'm crying. He comes over and hugs into me so I end up sobbing into his hair.

"I kiss it better Mummy"

My little man.

What is this doing to him?

At the Doctors, he hears what we are discussing. I have no option but to take him in with me. He hears snippets of conversation and pipes up:

"Mummy is very sad. She cries on the sofa. Mummy shouted at me today. Mummy sorry to me".

My heart breaks just hearing him uttering those words.

Before, when he couldn't speak, I couldn't know for sure if I was affecting him. Now I feel sick at what I might be doing.

Ethan. If you ever read this. I love you little man. Mummy really is trying to be the best mummy she can. I promise. I'm going to keep trying. It's all I can do.


  1. He's learning that you're seeking help, and that you aren't a perfect mother - him having you on a pedestal and seeing you as infallible is far more damaging. I was similarly worried but my psychologist said as long as I explained that I was behaving that way because of xyz or because of an illness, it was actually a good thing.

    1. Thanks Mim, that's really helpful to hear :) xx

  2. Agreed about being open and honest being helpful for the family as a whole. Good for you on being truthful and pushing through.


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