Why am I so obsessed with it?
I know it's not possible.. and yet... I can't resist striving for it. Everywhere I look I see fault. Actually, that's not entirely true. Everywhere I look in my house, car or on my person I find fault with. I don't expect other peoples houses to be perfect, or bodies to be perfect. So why do I expect that for myself? Why do I even want that? It'd be a bit boring, wouldn't it?
It's so hard wired inside me now, I don't know if I'll ever change. I don't know if I want to change. That's probably the bigger problem. A learned behaviour is one we're used to, isn't it. Like an old coat that's waaaaaaaay out of style and falling to pieces. You know it's not doing you any favours but you're used to it and it's comfy.
If this is me now though, unless I make some changes, things aren't going to get easier for me. It's so bloody hard though. I only really relax when I leave our house. I don't feel confronted by chores and imperfections at every turn then. When I'm at home, I'll get one job done, and then I notice another.. it feels like chasing a tail.
I know it's silly. I know it's not helping me. I know it doesn't matter.
Change is so bloody hard.
I called that Positive Steps number today... I'm waiting for someone to call me back to go through a questionnaire with me... then hopefully I can be referred for CBT.