Why am I so obsessed with it?
I know it's not possible.. and yet... I can't resist striving for it. Everywhere I look I see fault. Actually, that's not entirely true. Everywhere I look in my house, car or on my person I find fault with. I don't expect other peoples houses to be perfect, or bodies to be perfect. So why do I expect that for myself? Why do I even want that? It'd be a bit boring, wouldn't it?
It's so hard wired inside me now, I don't know if I'll ever change. I don't know if I want to change. That's probably the bigger problem. A learned behaviour is one we're used to, isn't it. Like an old coat that's waaaaaaaay out of style and falling to pieces. You know it's not doing you any favours but you're used to it and it's comfy.
If this is me now though, unless I make some changes, things aren't going to get easier for me. It's so bloody hard though. I only really relax when I leave our house. I don't feel confronted by chores and imperfections at every turn then. When I'm at home, I'll get one job done, and then I notice another.. it feels like chasing a tail.
I know it's silly. I know it's not helping me. I know it doesn't matter.
Change is so bloody hard.
I called that Positive Steps number today... I'm waiting for someone to call me back to go through a questionnaire with me... then hopefully I can be referred for CBT.
I am a perfectionist too. I always try and present myself in a way that people might think is 'perfect'. I'm trying really hard with my blog to be honest and frank. And to show my life how it is. I know what you mean about getting out the house. It does make you feel better, but I guess there are deeper issues to tackle. Glad you rang that number. Hopefully you will get the support you need. xxx
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I'm not the only one.. it's hard when you try to "present" yourself in a certain way.. I'm sure most of us do it.. I wonder if it's detrimental sometimes though. I know that on the surface everything does seem pretty "perfect" in my life. Ethan and I almost always look well turned out when we're seen in public, and my house always looks neat and tidy. But I feel like my life might look like that on the surface, but underneath all sorts of crap is bubbling away. A bit like if you "tidy" your house by shoving everything away in one cupboard.. some day everything you've shoved in there is going to come tumbling out and prove what a fake you are!!! I am not implying that's the case with you!
DeleteI'm still waiting for the CBT people to get back to me.. they were supposed to call me at 2:30pm yesterday.. I waited until 2:45pm but Ethan was getting really grotty and I knew he needed a nap. He won't nap at home, so I had no choice but to go out with him in the buggy. He fell asleep at 3pm and stayed asleep til 5pm.. we stayed out of the house so I enjoyed a coffee and read. When I got back home I checked the phone- they'd called at 3:15pm. They left a message saying they'd try again but nothing so far.. so will have to call them again tomorrow.. xxx