Anyway.. I'm not scared about all that, just sorry if sometimes my blog is a confusing one...
I'm scared to have another baby. It petrifies me. I'm waiting for my period at the moment and whilst I'm sure I'm not pregnant it makes me think about the possibility. And let me tell you. If I found out I were pregnant today I would not cry tears of happiness.. but I would cry.
I know many people who have and are having a hard time getting pregnant, both in real life and online and I know how hard it is for them to hear me harping on about how I feel about it. So I try to monitor what I say. The thing is whilst I sympathise massively what they go through (and I really do. I hate to see people going through that and it does give me perspective) it doesn't mean my thoughts and feelings aren't valid.
I can't help it. Sometimes I think if it were just up to me, I'd stick at one. My little man. I adore him. But I find it all very hard work.
It's not just me though. Hubby wants another. I think Ethan would benefit from a sibling. And what if we stuck at one and I reverted it when it was too late? I don't want a 15 year age gap or something like that either.
Ethan will be 3 in July. At first we were thinking we'd try for another this Sept. but I've already postponed that until next Jan. I want him in school full time at least until I have another. Even that scares me though. In some ways it'd be nice to say ok! Just the one child for us! Now he's in school I can go and get a job and carve out q bit more time for me again.. but no. It'll be all sleepless nights, constant feeding and bleeding nipples all over again.
I'm so scared it'll be the same or worse. The PND. The sleep deprivation. The anxiety. Am I strong enough to do that again? No matter how many times I get told it won't be the same, a little voice tells me it will be. Or worse.
|Seconds after birth... you can see the fear in my eyes....that is not a happy Mama!|
|Have you ever seen a photo showing love and happiness in the eyes as clearly as this? My Dad with Ethan.|
|Again, pure love and joy in the eyes. Mother in law with Ethan.|
I'd love to know if I'm not the only one.