Wednesday, 11 April 2012

I'm scared..

I'm scared and I need to talk about it... I know some of you probably don't know how to take my blog so I apologise for that.  I'm sure some of you come along for toddler and mummy fashion inspiration and find that you're wading through a few posts about my anxiety and depression.  The thing is, this is me.  This blog is a representation of me.  I'm honest here.  I don't exaggerate and I don't hide anything.  I love fashion and clothes and dressing Ethan is one of my biggest pleasures in life... But the other overwhelmingly large part if me is anxiety, depression and fear.  I think that's why the title of my blog is so appropriate.
Anyway.. I'm not scared about all that, just sorry if sometimes my blog is a confusing one...

I'm scared to have another baby.  It petrifies me.  I'm waiting for my period at the moment and whilst I'm sure I'm not pregnant it makes me think about the possibility.  And let me tell you.  If I found out I were pregnant today I would not cry tears of happiness.. but I would cry.

I know many people who have and are having a hard time getting pregnant, both in real life and online and I know how hard it is for them to hear me harping on about how I feel about it. So I try to monitor what I say. The thing is whilst I sympathise massively what they go through (and I really do.  I hate to see people going through that and it does give me perspective) it doesn't mean my thoughts and feelings aren't valid.
I can't help it.  Sometimes I think if it were just up to me, I'd stick at one.  My little man.  I adore him.  But I find it all very hard work. 

It's not just me though.  Hubby wants another.  I think Ethan would benefit from a sibling.  And what if we stuck at one and I reverted it when it was too late?  I don't want a 15 year age gap or something like that either.

Ethan will be 3 in July.  At first we were thinking we'd try for another this Sept. but I've already postponed that until next Jan.  I want him in school full time at least until I have another.  Even that scares me though.  In some ways it'd be nice to say ok! Just the one child for us! Now he's in school I can go and get a job and carve out q bit more time for me again.. but no.  It'll be all sleepless nights, constant feeding and bleeding nipples all over again.

I'm so scared it'll be the same or worse.  The PND.  The sleep deprivation.  The anxiety.  Am I strong enough to do that again?  No matter how many times I get told it won't be the same, a little voice tells me it will be.  Or worse.

Seconds after birth... you can see the fear in my eyes....that is not a happy Mama!

Have you ever seen a photo showing love and happiness in the eyes as clearly as this? My Dad with Ethan.

Again, pure love and joy in the eyes.  Mother in law with Ethan.
I know so few people who feel this way.  I can think of two maybe, and they are both online friends.  Apart from my mum and sometimes Hubby I can't really talk to anyone about this.
I'd love to know if I'm not the only one.

14 comments:

  1. I hear you sister! Little M is three, potty trained, eats alone and is more independent. I am super comfortable and just now really getting back to my old self. But he is three! And we do want another but I am scared, scared of it all. The preeclampsia, the sickness, the stress of endless hospital visits, my terrible labour, my emergency operation and blood transfusion after hemorraging, my depression, massive weight gain, everything! But I love him and my husband and if I did it once I can do it again and it will be blood hard work, but us ladies are tough. I just took the first step and bought pre-natal vitamins. I still can't believe it, but it looks like we are working on number 2. Lots of love and I support you all the way. Game face as I say! xx

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    1. What you went through was terrible by the sounds of it. I know you're right. If you've done it once, you can do it again. And it is worth it in the long run. I suppose change and the unknown is always a little scary.. Good luck working on No.2 - I really hope it's better for you this time around as well! Game face indeed... xx

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  2. I wish I lived nearer, that is all xxx

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  3. I'd love to have another one, but part of me doesn't. Being pregnant scares me, I hated a lot of aspects about it, especially the feeling of being ill all the time, being pregnant took my anxiety to new levels and I just feel I have started being able to deal with it now in situations that the year after birth I really panicked over. And I am a worrier so being pregnant just heightens that feeling too!

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    1. It's funny.. being pregnant was fine for me. I had the usual problems, but nothing too terrible thankfully. I was able to keep active. I didn't gain too much weight. My labour was fairly long at 30 hours, but it was OK. OK enough that I would consider a home birth and no pain relief next time... For me, it's everything that comes afterwards.

      Like you, I'm a worrier... and as far as I know, being a Mum is putting yourself up for a whole load of worry! x

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  4. You should never apologise for how you feel or hold back as your feelings are valid and talking about them is a good thing if it helps you through. You need to do what's right for you and your family, but please do remember that just because it was like that the first time it doesn't mean it will be again. I had severe PND after my first baby but was fine with my 2nd. I had mild PND after my 3rd but was able to cope with it and I got through.

    Take care x

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    1. Thank you Corinne, and thank you for re-tweeting the link for this, I wanted to make sure this got out there, because I know it's not a view expressed or discussed often.

      I really do need to keep in mind that history might not repeat. It's a funny thing. The older Ethan gets, the less I want another one.

      It's interesting to hear from someone else who had PND, but didn't get it every time. It's a strange thing, mental health! x

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  5. I could have written every word of that 9but I guess you know that already). I understand and am in exactly the same position. the way I am dealing with it is to not even give it even the tiniest bit of thought until he's in pre-school in autumn. After that, I will allow myself to consider it. the only thing that keeps me sane is telling myself over and over again that I don't have to have any more if I don't want to. I'd never wish Rory away and I love him more than anything or anyone else in the world, but the thought of going through pregnancy, birth and the first 18 months again plus having to deal with 2 children rather than just 1 fills me with dread and terror.

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    1. Yes... I suspected as much!

      I know what you mean about the only thing keeping you sane is telling yourself that you don't have to have more if you don't want. Sometimes I tell myself the same. I feel I would let so many people down though if I didn't.. and I suspect I may well regret it age 45 or something.

      I'm lucky enough to have age on my side. Although I'm 30 in a few weeks, so I couldn't put myself in the "young mum" bracket either!

      The thought of dealing with two fills me with dread and terror as well. It's the logistics of it more than anything. How the f**k do you get anywhere? I can barely get out of the house with Ethan before 10am on a normal day - how would I get him to school before 9am with a baby in tow? Scary scary thought...

      I can honestly say that at the moment thinking about going back to a dead end boring office job is more of an interesting prospect than having another baby. And I hated working in an office.

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  6. Hm, I admire your openness - this is difficult stuff to talk about and for that matter share on the Internet.

    I have 2,5 years between my kids and found that the small difference in age actually makes the kids comfortable and find comfort with each other. Of course that's only until they're teenagers when boys and girls in most cases have different interests.

    The first child, our daughter, took almost 7 hours at the hospital to "produce"... When the second was on the way, our son, I hardly had time to park the car before it was ready. He came with a "plop" sound more or less.

    I'm telling you this because the second one are easier in our experience and if nothing strange happened on the first birth, everything should be smooth on the second.

    Good luck!

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    1. Thank you - and thank you for reading and commenting.

      I agree that children with a 2.5 year age gap are a comfort to each other, I see it all the time and I love the way they interact with each other.. I knew that would never be me though. I am such an anxious worrier, looking after one child consumes me.. looking after two? Sooooo scary..

      Thankfully, labour isn't something that worries me. I was lucky in that mine was OK really.. Long, but nothing horrendous. I deal with pain quite well.. It was just everything afterwards. I often joke that I would rather go through labour 1000 times over than look after a newborn for the first 3-6 months!!

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  7. sorry to hear you are having a tough time with this... Mr. G was an only child for over ten years, I am glad I had the big gap. I think maybe your hubby needs to understand that you're not ready for another baby just yet, there's no shame in that, what you want matters.

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    1. Thank you :)

      I'm lucky, hubby is quite understanding really, I'm sure if I told him I'm not ready at all, he'd be happy (well, maybe not happy, but OK) to wait. It's just how long.. that's the thing!!! I think if I waited 5 or 15 years I'd probably feel the same. In fact, as time goes by, I think I'd be even less likely to want another. I could be wrong, but the older your child gets, the more of your life you get back!! It'd be even harder to go back to sleepless nights etc... How was it for you after a 10 year gap? Was it a hard adjustment?

      It's all very tricky..

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